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i often wonder what i am doing.  there are so few people who i can really talk to.  i have a few superficial friends.  i find myself wishing i had not made plans with them more often than not.  maybe it's february, but what i really want to do is hang around people who i don't need to small talk with.  even more, i'm becoming really turned off by judgmental people.  specifically judgmental moms.  i just don't want to partake in the mommy wars, and i have a hard time even being in the same room for 5 minutes with people who are like this.  however, as usual i find myself making plans anyway. and then bailing later because i think better of it, and this makes me look worse.  do i feel bad about it? i guess not since i keep doing it. 

i have always  been a person who knows a lot of people but is close to few.  i often wonder if deep inside this is related to a self esteem issue, or if it's really just being introverted.  i internalize everything, and my first instincts are usually that people don't want to know me or don't like me. is it just that it's better to be pleasantly surprised?

i dearly hope the bug can keep his happy-go-lucky demeanor. i will keep cheering everything he does. i will do everything i can to ensure that i stay a part of his life. i have not spoken to my own mom in 2 months. i call and she doesn't answer. she has only met the bug twice. 


glasses, books

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October 2008
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