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i often wonder what i am doing.  there are so few people who i can really talk to.  i have a few superficial friends.  i find myself wishing i had not made plans with them more often than not.  maybe it's february, but what i really want to do is hang around people who i don't need to small talk with.  even more, i'm becoming really turned off by judgmental people.  specifically judgmental moms.  i just don't want to partake in the mommy wars, and i have a hard time even being in the same room for 5 minutes with people who are like this.  however, as usual i find myself making plans anyway. and then bailing later because i think better of it, and this makes me look worse.  do i feel bad about it? i guess not since i keep doing it. 

i have always  been a person who knows a lot of people but is close to few.  i often wonder if deep inside this is related to a self esteem issue, or if it's really just being introverted.  i internalize everything, and my first instincts are usually that people don't want to know me or don't like me. is it just that it's better to be pleasantly surprised?

i dearly hope the bug can keep his happy-go-lucky demeanor. i will keep cheering everything he does. i will do everything i can to ensure that i stay a part of his life. i have not spoken to my own mom in 2 months. i call and she doesn't answer. she has only met the bug twice. 
  

Look at Me by John Lennon

Look at me
what am I supposed to be?
what am I supposed to be?
Look at me
what am I supposed to be?
what am I supposed to be?
Look at me
Oh My Love Oh My Love


Here I am
what am I supposed to do?
what am I supposed to do?
Here I am
What can I do for you?
What can I do for you?
Here I am
Oh My Love Oh My Love
Look at me,Oh Please Look at me,My Love
here I am-Oh My Love


Who am I?
Nobody knows but me
Nobody knows but me
Who am I?
Nobody else can see
Just you and me
Who are we
Oh My Love Oh My Love

January Blahs

 As a person who is married to someone with seasonal affective disorder, it's so hard for me to be positive about the winter and January.  Of course things are further complicated by living in one of the snowbelts of Michigan.  I love it here,a nd it's home. But I dream about warmer weather, better jobs, not having to pay for healthcare, making a living full time as an adjunct teaching online, staying home with my Bug....

Ok, so I know these are crazy dreams.  I'm not much cut out for being a stay at home Mom, and the grass is always greener on the other side.  I find myself wanting to commiserate with someone though. Since having the Bug, I find there are few people I can talk to about what's really going on with being a parent.  I know that everyone else is going through the same thing.  Sometimes I wonder why I can't seem to "fake it til I make it" like they do.  Ah, the Mommy Wars!

I've been proud of the reading I've gotten done this month.  Six books is really an accomplishment for me.  I haven't taken notes on them, but I've read them.  They stay with me.  

I will keep on keeping on. I will go to work every day. I will come home and do the bedtime routine at night.  I will do the daytime routine on the weekend.  I will teach when I have time.  I will still dream of greener pastures.  I will do the best that I can. 

I'm a horrible blogger

As much as I'd like to blog regularly, it's really hard for me.  I'm so busy and exhausted most of the time.  Other Moms will most likely understand this feeling.

I often wonder if I will become one of those Mom who horribly overschedules their children since I do this to myself. Maybe I will protect the Bug's time more than my own. I like to think that I will anyway. I am a firm believer in children having time to be children. I am also a firm believer in the power of imagination.  I have always been a person who can keep myself occupied. So far, the Bug is turning out to be much the same way. Maybe this will change as time goes on, I don't know.  Sometimes I feel like these kids who have every second of tjheir day filled up have no time to just be themselves and sit and daydream.   I was a big daydreamer.  I got A's (back then it was S+'s) on every report card, but every single one commented on my daydreaming.  I expect no less from the Bug.

I haven't had time to read since Thanksgiving.  I'm still waiting on the book that

kateherself

and I are reading for our mini-bookclub.  Until then, I've started some spiritual reading: Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell.  It's a really interesting look at Christianity, and praises the questioning of one's faith.  I like this approach, and it's interesting that this person lives in my hometown.  

This weekend I will make time for a cup of coffee and a trip to the bookstore.  That's my #1 goal.  Nothing else will get me into the holiday spirit.

Wasted Time in Chicago

I went on a shopping trip to Chicago this past weekend.  I'd never been there if you can believe it.  The shopping was fun, but I think to experience a city like Chicago in all of its wonder that you really need to take in some culture.  I am embarrassed to admit that I partook in nothing culturally enriching. I shopped the entire day.  Did I have fun? Yes. Did I feel like something was missing? Yes.  

My favorite part of the entire day was watching the people.  I loved looking at how people were dressed, and the signals that their bodies conveyed. On the whole, people's attitudes and confidence levels differ immensely from the uptight mini-city that I live in.

Another interesting thing I noticed is how many people there were on the streets. Grand Rapids is like a ghost town- it's deserted except in ruch hour, or if there's an event. I would love to see GR become bustling with the energy that Chicago has. It was an amazing feeling, and I could feel the hum of the street. All of that shared energy can really bring out the creative side of a person.

The other thing I thought about while I was there was about the lifestyle of someone living in the city and not owning a car- probably living in an apartment. As the Mom of a near-toddler, I really noticed how many people had their babies out and about and bundled to the max.  I probably would have left my baby at home instead of pushing him in his stroller on a cold day.  If I lived in Chicago and had to take the train everywhere, my life would be completely different.

I'm glad that I live in the suburbs, and I'm very grateful for what I have been given in life.  However, sometimes I just wonder who I would be if I hadn't decided to go to school in West Michigan, and instead made the jump to big city life. 

106 Most Banned Books Meme

The instructions: “These are the top 106 books most often marked as ‘unread’ by LibraryThing’s users. The rules: bold what you have read, italicize what you started but couldn’t finish, strike through what you couldn’t stand and underline those you have no intention of reading.”

Jonathan Strange & Mr Norrell
Anna Karenina
Crime and Punishment
Catch-22
One Hundred Years of Solitude
Wuthering Heights
The Silmarillion
Life of Pi: a Novel
The Name of the Rose
Don Quixote
Moby Dick
Ulysses
Madame Bovary
The Odyssey
Pride and Prejudice
Jane Eyre
A Tale of Two Cities
The Brothers Karamazov
Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies
War and Peace
Vanity Fair
The Time Traveler’s Wife
The Iliad
Emma
The Blind Assassin
The Kite Runner
Mrs. Dalloway
Great Expectations
American Gods
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Atlas Shrugged
Reading Lolita in Tehran: a Memoir in Books
Memoirs of a Geisha
Middlesex

Quicksilver
Wicked: the Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West
The Canterbury Tales
The Historian: a Novel

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man
Love in the Time of Cholera
Brave New World
The Fountainhead

Foucault’s Pendulum
Middlemarch
Frankenstein
The Count of Monte Cristo
Dracula
A Clockwork Orange

Anansi Boys
The Once and Future King
The Grapes of Wrath
The Poisonwood Bible: a Novel
1984
Angels & Demons
The Inferno
The Satanic Verses
Sense and Sensibility
The Picture of Dorian Gray
Mansfield Park
One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
To the Lighthouse
Tess of the D’Urbervilles
Oliver Twist
Gulliver’s Travels
Les Misérables
The Corrections
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time
Dune
The Prince
The Sound and the Fury
Angela’s Ashes: a Memoir
The God of Small Things

A People’s History of the United States: 1492-Present
Cryptonomicon
Neverwhere
A Confederacy of Dunces
A Short History of Nearly Everything
Dubliners
The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Beloved
Slaughterhouse-Five
The Scarlet Letter
Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation
The Mists of Avalon
Oryx and Crake: a Novel
Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed
Cloud Atlas
The Confusion
Lolita
Persuasion
Northanger Abbey
The Catcher in the Rye
On the Road
The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Freakonomics : a Rogue Economist Explores the Hidden Side of Everything
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: an Inquiry into Values
The Aeneid
Watership Down
Gravity’s Rainbow
The Hobbit
In Cold Blood: a True Account of a Multiple Murder and its Consequences
White Teeth
Treasure Island
David Copperfield
The Three Musketeers

Reading Arrangements

For years Matt and I have resisted a TV in our living room, and have always kept it well populated with several bookshelves and a ton of books. However, now that Fast Eddie is into everything, and the bookshelves are huge and heavy, we have decided to make the jump to storing these shelves downstairs, and we are substituting with a TV table and TV.  We will still have two bookshelves in the office, and tonight have chosen which books that we absolutely must not be separated from by an entire floor.

In a way, it's the end of an era. However, I must not make it into something where I become this lazy TV watcher (although as you know I do enjoy stupid TV, and practically revel in a spare hour spent alone watching said stupidity).  Also, Fast Eddie must not become a fan of stupid TV like his Mummy, so I think being a role model will keep me honest.   Additionally, the madness will end with the 24" monstrosity that is already in the basement, and it must not get any larger.  Plus, we can live without any high definition- we have made it this far haven't we (and before you think I'm some sort of a snob about how high-brow I am, don't let me fool you. I count Tivo among my best friends.)?

So anyway, it will be interesting to see how this new arrangement works out.  I'll continue to cuddle up with Fast Eddie several times per day in the recliner in his room for story time (his current favorites are Good Morning, Good Night and Touch & Feel Baby Animals). Also, I'll continue to keep up my own reading routines, and to make sure Fast Eddie sees both his Daddy and Mummy reading OFTEN.

Another term begins...

and I totally screwed it up!  The edition of the textbook switched, and when I originally looked at the website for the new text, the table of contents was the same. Thus, I thought that the information was just updated.

WRONG.

After I've already designed the course and assignments, and after the students were loaded into the class, I find out that they've switched the chapters around, and also eliminated the introduction.  Seriously, who eliminates an introduction?  Why would you study a region without first learning about maps, major issues, and discussing a few traditions as well as stereotypes.  It's ridiculous. 

So now I'm stuck with having to redo everything, and not really wanting to.  I've gotten far enough for students to get through the first week, and I'm having trouble getting further.  Tonight I'd rather burrow into bed, forget about how hungry I am today, and watch Ellen, Brothers and Sisters, The Hills, and the Bachelor.

Yes, I admit it. I'm a smart girl and well read, but I'm also a sucker for stupid TV. I guess that there's so many  serious things in my life that when I watch TV I want it to be as stupid as possible.

So shoot me!

Need for Sleep

I should publish my memoir on the first year with baby- the real scoop.  Actually, maybe I should just re-read Welcome to Babyville now that Fast Eddie is born, and I'm almost through the first year. Perhaps it will give me much needed perspective at 1am.  I will look for a section titled, "Don't buy generic diapers for overnight sleeping".  If it's not there, that will be the hook for mine.

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